When You’ve Outgrown the Way You Speak (But Still Find Yourself Using It)
There’s a weird in-between space that no one really prepares you for.
You’re not who you were at 18, and thank goodness for that. You’ve grown through jobs, friendships, heartbreaks, healing, and self-discovery. Maybe you’re in your late 20s or early 30s, and you’ve taken steps you couldn’t have imagined a decade ago.
But sometimes… you still find yourself speaking and showing up like your 20-year-old self.
You over-explain. You soften what you want to say. You apologise when you didn’t actually do anything wrong.
And it can feel jarring—like your internal world has evolved but your voice hasn’t caught up yet.
This isn’t a failure. It’s a transition.
What I want to de-stigmatise here is the idea that this is a communication problem. It's not. It's a rewiring process.
Your mind has grown. Your emotional intelligence has grown. Your values, relationships, and boundaries have grown. But the language? The phrasing? The way your voice expresses that growth? That takes practice.
Sometimes, we haven’t yet learned the words to match who we’ve become.
You might notice it when you're around certain people.
I first realised this was “a thing” when I noticed it in people I love. Behind closed doors, they were bold, clear, and grounded. But put them around old friends, their siblings, or family members who hadn’t really grown with them? They shrunk. Their tone changed. Their truth got filtered through old versions of themselves.
And I saw it in myself too.
It can be something as simple as being around school friends and realising, “Wow, this just isn’t me anymore.” Maybe the jokes are outdated. Maybe the values no longer match. Maybe you’ve grown—and they haven’t.
And that’s okay. You don’t have to bring everyone with you. Their journey is theirs.
But what is your responsibility is this: recognising when you’ve outgrown the dynamic and choosing what kind of conversations you want to keep entertaining.
What does this look like in everyday life?
Start noticing the micro-moments. The red flags in your own behaviour. The little pangs of discomfort.
Jot them down. Literally. In your Notes app, in your journal, or on a scrap of paper.
What did you say that didn’t feel like you?
What was said that didn’t sit right anymore?
Where did you feel small, performative, or disconnected?
This kind of inventory is gold. It’s how we start to filter what no longer aligns. It’s how we learn to spot where we’re still playing a role we’ve outgrown.
Some common things that might show up:
Overexplaining: You feel the need to justify simple decisions with way too much detail.
Softening your truth: You downplay your feelings or ideas so they don’t seem “too much.”
Over-apologising: You say sorry on autopilot, even when you’re the one who was wronged.
Performing politeness: You smile or nod when something makes you uncomfortable just to keep the peace.
These aren’t failures. They’re survival strategies. Things you learned early on to stay safe, be liked, or avoid conflict.
But if they’re now holding you back? It’s time to let them go.
You’re not regressing—you’re integrating.
You’ve probably done a heap of internal work. Therapy, reflection, self-awareness. You know better now. But knowing and embodying are two very different things.
It’s like learning a new language. You can understand it in theory, but speaking it fluently takes time.
This isn’t about going backwards. This is about catching up with yourself. Learning how to speak the truth of who you are today.
A small practice that helps me:
Whenever I feel the urge to over-explain, apologise, or shrink myself, I do a quick check-in.
I place my hand on my chest and ask:
Is this my actual truth?
Am I performing comfort for someone else by abandoning what I really need?
What do I want to say, really?
It’s such a simple act—but it brings me back to myself.
Here’s what I want you to know:
You’re allowed to grow out of old patterns.
You’re allowed to outgrow the way you used to speak.
You’re allowed to sound different, feel different, and set new standards for the kind of conversations you want in your life.
It doesn’t mean you’re fake. It doesn’t mean you’ve changed too much.
It means you’re becoming someone more true.
And that’s something to be proud of.
Want support with finding your voice again?
Check out Words That Work, my digital guide designed to help you navigate better conversations with less anxiety and more alignment.
Or join the email list for weekly reflections like this straight to your inbox 💌