Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Damn Hard (Especially for Women)
Let’s talk about something I’m a complete broken record about—why setting boundaries feels so hard, especially for women.
The truth is, we weren’t really taught how to do it. We were raised to be agreeable, to avoid conflict, to be good girls. We were praised for being helpful, selfless, and quiet—not for saying “no” or taking up space. So, of course boundaries feel foreign. Of course they feel hard.
And when something feels unfamiliar or misunderstood, it can feel totally out of reach.
We’ve Been Taught That Boundaries = Being a Bitch
Let’s be real. The word “boundaries” carries baggage.
You’ve probably heard it before:
“She’s so difficult.”
“She’s hard work.”
“She’s not a team player.”
When you start setting boundaries, it can feel like you’re doing something wrong. Like you’re rocking the boat. Being the black sheep. Going against the grain.
But here’s what I want you to hear:
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bitch—it makes you honest.
You Can’t Set a Boundary When You Don’t Know What You Need
This is the part no one really talks about.
We think the hard part is saying the thing. But the real challenge?
Knowing what to say in the first place.
If you don’t know what you want…
If you don’t know what matters to you…
If you’ve spent your whole life ignoring your needs to keep the peace...
How the hell are you supposed to articulate a boundary?
This is why I always start my coaching clients here:
Get clear on your core values first.
What Freedom Means to Me (and Why It Shapes My Boundaries)
Let me share an example. One of my highest values is freedom.
But freedom means different things to different people.
To someone in a war-torn country, it might mean safety.
To a 16-year-old living rent-free under their parents' roof, it might mean getting a driver’s license.
To me? Freedom looks like:
Having space in my day for a bushwalk or a tarot reading
Keeping my fridge stocked with fresh food
Going to the gym without rushing
Knowing I’m not chained to my laptop at 9pm
Having time to just… be
Freedom gives me mental space to create, to rest, to play.
It’s not a luxury—it’s a non-negotiable.
So I set boundaries to protect that. For example, I don’t work after 6 PM. That’s not because I’m lazy or unavailable—it’s because that time is how I honour what’s most important to me.
If You Feel Lost Around Boundaries, Start Here
You can’t explain your boundaries to others if you don’t understand them yourself.
Start with this:
What do you value most?
Is it peace? Growth? Creativity? Adventure?
When you know your values, you can build a life (and boundaries) around them.
This work isn’t about becoming someone else.
It’s about becoming more you.
Try This Today
Here’s a journaling prompt to get started:
“What could I do today that would make my life just 10% better?”
It doesn’t have to be massive. You don’t need to flip your whole life upside down.
But 10% better? That’s a pretty good start.
Want Help Finding the Right Words?
If the how of boundary conversations trips you up—what to say, how to say it without guilt, how to say no without being avoidant—
grab my free cheat sheet:
🎧 Words That Work: The Conversation Cheat Sheet
It’s packed with real phrases you can use in tricky conversations without sounding cold or rehearsed. Think of it like your personal script when things get sticky.
Final Thoughts
Boundary work isn’t about pushing people away—it’s about pulling yourself closer to what you care about.
It’s not selfish. It’s not rude.
It’s self-awareness. It’s alignment.
And it’s the foundation of a life that feels like yours.
If this blog resonated, I’d love for you to share it, tag me on socials, or shoot me a message with what hit home. You’re not alone in this work—and I’m so glad you’re here. 💛